THE BOY.

Aku pernah mencintai seseorang sebodoh itu.

Sampai pada akhirnya dia tidak benar – benar mencintai ku.

Aku pernah jatuh untuk orang yang sama sekali tidak pernah jatuh untuk ku.

Aku pernah berharap untuk seseorang yang sama sekali tidak pernah mengharapkan keberadaan ku.

This is not the kind of me.

Ini bukan aku yang merengek meminta dia untuk melihatku.

Ini bukan aku yang marah karena dia tak memilihku

Ini bukan aku yang dendam karena dia lebih memilih sahabatku dari pada aku.

Tapi, cinta memang bisa merubah kita 180 derajat menjadi sosok yang mungkin tak pernah kita bayangkan.

Jujur, aku tak pernah lelah untuk menggantungkan perasaan ini sebelumnya.  Bahkan disaat kamu tak sama sekali melihat keberadaan ku.

Aku tak pernah merasa sebodoh ini sebelumnya, aku tidak pernah tahu apakah kamu sempat menggapku atau tidak, tapi apakah benar ini hanya intuisi ku jika kamu memang pernah membuka hati untuk ku ?

Kita berdua bukan orang baru. Sebelumnya kita pernah bertemu. Mungkin saat kali kedua kita berpapasan, kamu pun tak asing melihat ku.

Lalu, ntah karena apa kamu tiba-tiba datang dengan sikap yang manis, aku tahu aku salah, tak seharusnya aku semudah itu untuk jatuh padamu, aku berusaha menampik tapi sikapmu terlalu baik.

Aku tak mudah untuk jatuh dan berharap pada seseorang. Tapi kali ini berbeda, kamu datang dengan kekonyolan, senyuman, dan canda tawa. Aku akui aku bodoh saat itu. Mungkin memang aku yang tak bisa membedakan sikapmu. nyatanya, kamu memang pria yang baik tak hanya padaku tapi pada semua orang.

Sampai akhirnya mungkin kamu tak tega untuk mengatakan bahwa aku salah untuk jatuh padamu, sehingga kau menyampaikan itu melalui platfrom blog mu. Tanpa kamu sampaikan aku tahu pasti kalau tulisan itu untuku, aku mengerti apa maksud mu menulis itu.

jujur, aku sedih saat terakhir kamu memutuskan untuk pergi dan tak lagi menghubungiku. Aku tahu mungkin kamu tak tega untuk menyampaikan bahwa kamu tidak menyimpan perasaan yang sama, oleh karena itu kamu pergi dan menghilang tiba-tiba.

Tapi aku jauh lebih sedih ketika aku tahu bahwa kamu memilih sahabat ku sendiri. Disaat aku harus melawan perasaan ku, kamu datang kembali dengan senyum yang sama untuk orang yang berbeda. Aku marah dan benci ntah harus pada siapa.

Aku salah jika aku harus membenci kamu, karena memang dari awal pun kamu tidak pernah mencintaiku

Aku salah untuk membenci sahabatku, karena mungkin dia punya perasaan yang sama dengan mu dam aku tidak mungkin se tega itu untuk menuduh dia sebagai penikung.

Satu hal yang membuat ku jauh lebih sakit, kalian membiarkan aku untuk tahu dengan sendirinya. Ga ada satu diantara kalian yang berani jujur. Ntah karena kalian berusaha menutupi ini atau kalian tidak mau aku terluka, tapi semakin kalian tutupi semakin aku tahu apa yang terjadi dan itu semakin membuat aku marah dan benci dengan keadaan ini.

Aku mohon jangan pernah datang kembali walau hanya sekedar sapa, karena setiap kali kita bertemu aku selalu memperbaiki raut wajah berkali-kali. Memasang mimik muka yang pas sebagai orang asing. Mencari nada suara yang pas sebagai orang lain. Itulah alasan mengapa setiap kali bertemu kamu aku lebih banyak memalingkan muka. Aku lebih banyak diam dari pada berbicara. Karena setiap kali kamu menatapku. setiap kali kamu membalas ucapanku. Aku harus berkali – kali menekankan kepada hatiku. aku tidak akan mengulangi jatuh cinta lagi kepadamu. Semuanya sudah berakhir dan aku tidak akan pernah mulai lagi.

Dan untuk pertama kalinya, sekalipun saat kamu tak lagi mengingat ku, aku ingin kamu membaca tulisan ini ..

Rama Edwinda Putra ..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Iklan

YOU FUCK ME OFF 

Bitch. Fuck. Asshole. Jerk.

Listen :

I’m not just hurt but I’m mad. Really mad. It feel like falling, drowing, and I’m dying inside.

No, I’m not crying. There’s no tear. But idk why it feel like there’s a knive that suddenly stab down at the center of my heart. It really hurt like hell. 

Please let me know from the first that u’re not going to choose me and U’re not completely care about me. So if it all planned like that I’m not the one who left cheated. 

I don’t even want to start if I know it will end up like this. I can’t fully blame myself bc I know that u start this too. You start we as an unusual friends. I know it and it’s completely true. 

But what ? 

U’re not more than just a loser. A coward. A lier. U tell me that u’re not going to choose her. U tell me she’s just a good friend for u. U tell me she’s kind and just a good listener. 

But now what ?? What the hell are u doing?? 

Is this really the right time to choose her? 

When I have to live with her everyday. When I can completely touch her everyday. When I can completely bump by her everyday, even in my sleep she’s the only one person that I have to see. There’s no space at all.  She become a part of my life and she become a part of ur life too, the one that I never be. 

I hate it, when yesterday I saw ur name again at my phone, gave me a greeting. I hate bc I know u text me just want to know my respons about both of u, but then after that u dissepear again, again, and again.

U show the world that right now she’s yours. I don’t mean to hate u both but I can’t control myself. Everytime I saw her, she’s like a reflection of madness and pain.  

I used to miss u every single day but now, ur name is the only one name I don’t want to hear for whole my life.  

I hate u. I hate u. I hate u.

THIS IS THE DAY

This is the day I’m leaving my home ..

For about 18 years I never leave my home this far and I never leave my parents this long, then just a flip second everything changed and it happened beyond my expectation.

I never prepare for this, it feel like sudden and strange. I never dream to grow up even I don’t want to dream it, anyway. I’m just a common girl not really good at art and I’m suck at social life. Actually I don’t have passion at all or even something to be proud about. well, probably u can call me a “Loser”. yeah,.. I know it sounds bad.

I’m remembering u to sit and settled in because I’m going to tell you my life story ..

Here it is. Today I leave my home and my beloved city “Cirebon”, but I promised to keep all the memories there. To let the warm of affection warp that home. To keep my heart to the one I love. I know u not longer stay at that city, but a presence of you still be the same, I still can smell ur scent and I still can draw ur face even only in my mind. That city is the reasons why I keep ur memories there, coz I want everytime I go back to that city it means that I go back to u. The city have many places that we both have come, that green restaurant and that touch when I almost completely faint. Even the last day before I left u give me a heart attack by choosing someone else, it was hurt and I’m dying inside. But my feeling still be the same. No matter what happen. Just go and judge me. Idc.

Before I left, I looked back at that home and felt like all the memories have been repeated. I saw a shadow about how happy I am when I could ride my bike. I saw a shadow about how glad I am when I had a chit-chat and laugh with my family. Again, I saw a shadow about how tired I am when I went back from school. It seems simple but it was worth it.

I miss my home, I wanna go back and see all the picture of me that hanging on wall. I miss my city, I wanna go back and feel the way me and my best friends gathered. I just miss the way it supposed to be.

Now, I stand just in my feet. everything will go or not it depends on my decision and I have to  responsible about everything I’ve chose. tbh, I’m not ready for it. I don’t how to control myself, I lost my direction, I don’t know how conduct oneself and I’m afraid if I make a mistake.

This is another mess that I didn’t plan before. I’m wrong to choose growing up. I lost my childhood because of adult, I got anxiety because of adult, I got a fake love because of adult. Everything will go bad when you choose to growing up. But now I can’t blame the situation because it happens naturally. I can’t avoid or even hide. I must grow up. well, it’s going to be really hard but may be it supposed to be like that.

God, please tell me am I seriously taking the wrong train from the very first time or it’s just some magical surprises from you for another upcoming episode ?

 

A BIG BIG WORD.

u know I think the worst feeling is finding out that u didn’t mean as much to someone as u thought u did, and u just feel stupid bc u looked desperate of caring too much. 

Yap it’s totally true that every high expectations will destroy u from inside. 

If i can make an analogy I was a package lebelled ‘handle with care’ but u were a postman who was never quite aware. 

I’ve ever read a poetry in a magazine about that kinda man and here it is ..

You didn’t love her, u just don’t wanna be alone, or may be she was good for ur ego, or may be she made u feel better about ur miserable life, but u didn’t love her, bc u never broke a girl u love.. 

“And right here I’m broke ..” 

Now, I’m moving on, I try to totally ignore everything about u, take that memories away, and start to throw away the hope. Idk what happen but as long as I try to forgive everything I begin to hate u more and more .. 

“Tolong ajarkan aku bagaimana caranya merelakan seseorang tanpa membencinya, dan 

Tolong ajarkan aku untuk memaafkan orang yang datang dan pergi seenaknya.” 

For me, u’re the most cowardly man ever because ..

“Pengecut terbesar adalah pria yang membangunkan cinta seorang wanita tanpa bermaksud untuk membalasnya.”

Last but not least kalau kata anak jaman sekarang sih .. 

“Ya jangan bikin baper kalo ga ada niatan serius, Bego lu !”

A CHOICE.

“Sesuka hati” lyric by Karina Salim 

Cerita andai bisa ku ulang semua. Tak ku biarkan jatuh cinta pada mu. Kalau yang terjadi kau datang dan pergi ..

Hati ini bukan tuk sementara. Bukan tuk selingan hati mu. Bukan begitu seharusnya Cinta ini bukan tentang dirimu saja. Bukan datang dan pergi sesuka hati ..

Kemana karena takkan ada habisnya. Terlalu dalam kau buat ku bertahanmeskipun ku tahu ini menyiksaku 


My intuition told me it was time to leave, so I followed. For u who ever come, now I left .. 
Hey boy .. 

Where have u been ? U left after u say u wouldn’t. After countless time u screwing me over, u just vanish. I knew I shouldn’t of trusted u. I’m so confused and disappointed to myself bc why did I think this time will be different ? 

I let u call me babe, I let u treat me different and I actually believed u meant it, but where are u now? Why do u always come and go suddenly? Why do u give me that special attention when u don’t really mean it ? Why do you put this feeling on me? Why u can be so ignorant suddenly ? Why u give me that hope, dude ? ..

Then a week later I see u with some other girls treating her the same as u treated me. How can u do that ? How can u act like that ? Don’t u ever think about me? Please boy tell me, i just don’t get it, what kinda game do u play ? and I can’t believe that I let myself be fooled by a boy like u..

“Jangan” 

Jangan sengaja pergi agar dicari, jangan sengaja lari agar dikejar, berjuang tak sebercanda itu .. 

Jangan mencari saat semua sudah terlanjur pergi, jangan mengejar saat sudah jauh berlari, menunggu tak seasyik itu .. 

Jangan .. dan jangan pernah meyakinkan dirimu bahwa dia menyukaimu hanya karena dia bersikap manis padamu. Karena kadang kamu hanya pilihan ketika dia bosan .. 

Well, Someone told me that people come and go and now I go 

Hey boy, if u know I’m fuckin’ tired of this game, and I really hate u and I hate to say that honestly I’m giving up on you. 

Boy, even tho how hard I say that I hate u but u’ve to know that I still fuckin’ care so fuckin’ much on u. I know right it’s wrong but sometimes let go will be better than hold on.. and I promise no more u in my mind even tho I still can’t let my self hurt everytime u walk with the other girls around. 

May be u right, may be I’m not more than just a good friend for you, may be this is just my fault, may be at the begining there was no feeling at all, may be I’m just ur second opinion ..

But hey, .. I’m not say that I’m moving on already, but time will heal the pain, and one thing you should know ,

I’m done loving you 

IT’S ALWAYS BEEN YOU

I miss someone

I miss the laugh

I miss his eyes .. his stare .. his voice ..

I miss his appearance

I miss the way he came to my home that day 

I miss how he sat at my living room chair 

I miss the way he call me babe .. 

I miss ur call everynight ..

I miss to always notice u everyday .. 

I miss ur attention ..

I miss ur scent ..

I miss the way we sat face to face and began to share laugh and joy ..

I miss the way I was feeling so excited just bc u come that day  ..

I miss the way we hang out and talk about the world .. 
I know right that I shouldn’t miss u ..

But it goes wrong eveyday and I can’t even lie to myself 

It’s like something that grow so fast in my chest ..

You know, If i make a priority list u’re at the top of my list 

But what about you ? Have ever think about me ? 

What number am l at your priority list? Or may be it’s never been me ..

It’s hard, really ..

It’s hard just to be a girl that you never notice ..

And you are always be a boy i admire from afar ..

YOU SUCK LESS THEN MOST PEOPLE

U know what ? 

Sometimes everything can be so hard even just to forget someone ..

The more you try to forget, the more u think about him,well yeah perhaps i can’t never called myself a good pretender. Once I ever said that it would be the last time for me to hold on and i wanted to go, but in fact it was just words. No action

I’m still here, standing in the same place with the same feeling. I haven’t been able to realy let him go. I’m not ready yet. There is still a place in my heart that hope if one day he will realize how hard i love him. 

I don’t know who is to blame, i don’t know who is wrong, we both are false, we both just trap in this situation ..

What are we ? I just don’t understand our friendship, sometimes we’re friend, sometimes we’re more than just friend, and sometimes I’m just a stranger to u, one minute u’re talking to me as if I’m something special and the next minute u’re talking to me if I mean nothing to u. One day u pay so much attention to me,the next u almost completely ignore me ..
I totally know that it’s not like the random friendship at all and I’m pretty sure that u’ve realized if there is something different between us, but we both look like avoiding that thing every time we talk. The last I know that u know about my feeling, especially about our both feeling. With that u just keep playing that emotional game, u keep give me that attentions, u keep call me everynight, u keep telling me a story that perhaps everyone don’t know about it, u keep call me as ur baby, u keep treat me different than the other girls around and It’s hurt, really.

We can’t also blame the people, because the people only understand everything they see. I bet u also ever get a question from them about me, and i just wonder how will u replay it, is it look special or not ? 

The people always think that we’re close or have a kind of special relationship, but infact it’s nothing..

Honestly, I want to be more than just a friend, we’ve too closed, and everything that u’ve done to me it’s just too special for being a friend. I just wish u start making sense bc I’m confused and Idk what u want .. 

If i know that love is just a painful game like this, I would rather be falling from the stairs than falling in love. 

Now it’s hard not to see u, not to talk to u, not to laugh with u.I’m too scared if one day we will be separated by a distance and start to forget each other before we both telling the truth ..

What should I do when it’s too painful to hold on but too hard to let him go?